I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
