I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i think my mom watched the whole time
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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