Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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