My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am midnight drunk by noon
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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