I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
