Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
