I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
