just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We were destined to go to rehab together
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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