Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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