dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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