When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize