woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
