I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hippo gnu deer
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
