After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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