My room smells like vodka and shame
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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