dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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