just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!