Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
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You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
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I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked