Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
