Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
