i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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