I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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