I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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