just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I cannot find my penis.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
