I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize