I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
