I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
