The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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