you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
