yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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