he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
