It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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