Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
