I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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