the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
