yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
