I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
