i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
