what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
