my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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