I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
