i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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