There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
