Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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