Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
