We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i drank out of a bidet.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
