I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
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I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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