I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
