guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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