i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
