I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
