dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
