Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
