this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
