The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
