I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
