I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
