he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
