so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
People with herpes should wear stickers.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
