i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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