Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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